Even when I smile

Thoughts of undying ideas about affection and feelings have been messing my head. I don't understand.

How many words must I use and how many are left to be discovered for me to find answers to my doubts? Why do I feel strange seeing you? My mind is struggling for alibis and reasons to divert my disappointments into fake smiles and giggles. My heart sings for joy and sadness.

I smile whenever you're near, not because it shivers down my spine, but because my mind was set to accept the reality that I can't have you.